Venting and "Rewiring the Brain for Negativity"

Research has shown that people complain once a minute during a typical conversation. Complaining is tempting because it seems to feel good, but like many other things that are enjoyable at first, complaining too often isn’t so good for you.

Why? Because your brain loves efficiency and doesn’t like to work any harder than it has to. When you repeat a behavior, such as complaining, your neurons branch out to each other to ease the flow of information. This makes it much easier to repeat that behavior in the future -- so easy, in fact, that you might not even realize you’re doing it.

You can’t blame your brain. Who’d want to build a temporary bridge every time you need to cross a river? It makes a lot more sense to construct a permanent bridge. So, your neurons grow closer together, and the connections between them strengthen to become more permanent. Scientists often describe this process with the catch-phrase, “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

Repeated complaining "rewires your brain" to make future complaining more likely. Over time, you find it’s easier to be negative than to be positive -- regardless of what’s happening around you. Complaining becomes your "default behavior," which then can adversely change the way people perceive you.

Complaining may affect other areas of your brain as well. Research from Stanford University has shown that complaining affects the hippocampus -- an area of the brain that’s critical to problem-solving and intelligent thought. 

Complaining Can Also Be Bad for Your Health

When you complain, your body releases the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol shifts you into fight-or-flight mode, directing oxygen, blood, and energy away from everything but the systems that are essential to immediate survival. One effect of cortisol, for example, is to raise your blood pressure and blood sugar so that you’ll be prepared to either escape or defend yourself.

Extra cortisol impairs your immune system and can make you more susceptible to high cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease, and obesity. It could even make the brain more vulnerable to strokes.

Since human beings are inherently social, our brains naturally and unconsciously mimic the moods of those around us, particularly people we spend a great deal of time with. This process is called "neuronal mirroring," and it’s the basis for our ability to feel empathy. The flip side, however, is that it makes complaining a lot like smoking -- you don’t have to do it yourself to suffer the ill effects. You need to be wary about spending time with people who complain about everything. Complainers want people to join their "pity party" so that they can feel better about themselves. Think of it this way: If a person were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? No, you’d distance yourself, and you can do the same with complainers.

There are things to consider when you have an impulse to complain. One is to instead cultivate an attitude of gratitude. That is, when you feel like complaining, shift your attention to something that you’re grateful for. Taking time to contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t merely the right thing to do -- studies have indicated it reduces the stress hormone cortisol. Research conducted at the University of California, Davis, found that people who worked daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude experienced improved mood and energy and substantially less anxiety due to lower cortisol levels. Any time you experience negative or pessimistic thoughts, use this as a cue to shift gears and to think about something positive. In time, a positive attitude will become a way of life.

Another thing you can do -- and only when you have something that is truly worth complaining about is to engage in "solution-oriented complaining." Think of it as complaining with a purpose. 

"Solution-oriented complaining" hallmarks include:

Having a clear purpose. Before complaining, know what outcome you’re looking for. If you can’t identify a purpose, there’s a good chance you just want to complain for its own sake, and that’s the kind of complaining to nip in the bud.

Start with something positive. It may seem counterintuitive to start a complaint with a compliment, but starting with a positive helps keep the other person from getting defensive. For example, before launching into a complaint about poor customer service, you could say something like, “I’ve been a customer for a very long time and have always been thrilled with your service ....”

Be specific. When you’re complaining it’s not a good time to dredge up every minor annoyance from the past 20 years. Just address the current situation and be as specific as possible. Instead of saying, “Your employee was rude to me,” describe specifically what the employee did that seemed rude.

End on a positive. If you end your complaint with, “I’m never shopping here again,” the person who’s listening has no motivation to act on your complaint. In that case, you’re just "venting," or complaining with no purpose other than to complain. Instead, restate your purpose, as well as your hope that the desired result can be achieved, for example, “I’d like to work this out so that we can keep our business relationship intact.”

Bringing It All Together

Just like smoking, drinking too much or lying on the couch watching TV all day, constant complaining can be bad for you. Put the above tips to use, and experience the physical, mental, and performance benefits that come with a more "positive frame of mind."

Pain and the Healing Journey

Mindfulness at 3:00 AM: Cultivate Compassion

So there I was at 3:00AM last night -- suddenly fully awake and quite angry about my dreadful weight gain, and the failure to lose any significant weight despite all attempts over at least a year. I was frustrated and ruminating about that @##$$ Zyprexa -- not a proper mood for quickly dropping back into restorative sleep and facing the next workday.

I briefly considered taking a "hypnotic" drug (otherwise known as a sleeping pill), but then I decided instead to practice converting the turbulent waves of anger into a serene surface of compassion a la Zen mindfulness.

Instead of continuing to feel outraged about my present state, I redirected my thoughts towards a transforming learning experience -- to feel more outward understanding and compassion for all those other overweight folks who are suffering and unkindly discriminated against.

It took and time some practice, but I was able to accomplish compassion, dissipate the ruminations, and doze off. So that's my new mission -- to convert any obsessive feelings of anger into compassion whenever I can.

Here's an article from the web for those that also may want to cultivate compassion.

Compassion: An Antidote to Anger?

by Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

Mindfulness teacher and author Thich Nhat Hanh writes:

The nectar of compassion is so wonderful. If you are committed to keeping it alive, then you are protected. What the other person says will not touch off the anger and irritation in you, because compassion is the real antidote for anger.

There’s often misinterpretation between the words anger and aggression. Anger by itself is not an issue. It is important to be able to notice when we are getting angry, frustrated, irritated, or annoyed because it is often a signal that something is amiss. With that awareness we have the ability to choose what we want to do with it. It is the behavior of aggression and hostility that put people on the defense and cause problems.

When we cultivate compassion, we begin to soften the reactivity of aggression and hostility that often stems from anger.

What is compassion?

Compassion is a quality of awareness that combines identifying with another’s feelings (i.e., empathy) while understanding the position the other is in.

Inherent in the definition of mindfulness is non-judgment and another quality of it is “kind attention.” So as we cultivate a practice of nonjudgmentally placing kind attention on our own experience, we naturally begin to elicit feelings of self-compassion which then begins to flow outwards to others.

To cultivate compassion for another, try this: Allow yourself to imagine the sorrows and pains that the other person holds. During this life they have certainly had disappointments, failures, losses and wounds so deep they may not feel safe to share. Imagine them as your own child, feeling frightened and in pain, and how you may want to comfort them.

Sometimes, through practice, we come to understand that compassion may very well be the greatest antidote to the reactivity that can stem from anger and a pathway toward constructive-anger.

Billy Batts On Loss, Anger, and Acceptance

The Kübler-Ross model, commonly called The Five Stages of Loss, is a hypothesis first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying, which was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients.

Her five stages of loss have now become widely accepted. My own cognitive psychologist, Dr. R., has pointed out that these stages often occur for any loss, not just death or illness. It could be the loss of a job, loss of status, loss a lover, almost anything.

Kübler-Ross stressed that these five stages are not meant to be complete or chronological. The hypothesis is that the reactions to loss are as unique as the person experiencing them.

The five classic stages include:

Denial — "I feel fine;" "This can't be happening, not to me."

Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left after the loss. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.

Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!;" "How can this happen to me?;" '"Who is to blame?"

Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from loss.

Bargaining — "I'll do anything for more time without the loss;" "I'd give up this if only..."

The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay loss. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will loose, but if I could just do something to buy more time..." People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.

Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?;" "I'm going to lose this soon so what's the point?"; "I miss the way things were, why go on?"

During the fourth stage, the person begins to understand the certainty of loss. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation.

Acceptance (or sometimes, Resignation) — "It's going to be okay;" "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their loss or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

As I wrote earlier, it doesn't take a loss as traumatic as illness or death for these five stages to kick in.

When I feel slighted or criticized illogically or unfairly, I have an incredibly hard time accepting such losses. I lock onto the "insults" with denial and fierce anger. My form of bargaining usually takes the form of endless OCD-style rumination, where I replay conversations or disagreements, over and over in my head, conjuring up countless logical points where I finally prove myself right. When I finally realize even though I may be technically correct, I'm seldomly, if ever, going to win the real-life arguments, or change the outcomes, or even get acknowledgement about the reasons for my points of view, depression briefly sets in, and then I finally I accept the loss of argument or status (resignation).

Even so, I am fully capable of flaring up, OCD-style, and locking onto the anger and bargaining stages, even years later. I seldom forget slights, perhaps they are "softwired" into my brain and and thus can't be totally extinguished. Some scientists believe this bad memory encoding could be a result of the supreme efficiency of the "lizard" brain (aka the limbic system), where losses are cataloged so that snap decisions can be made later in life. These limbic system structures are believed to be involved in many of our emotions and motivations, particularly those that are related to survival. Such emotions include fear, anger, and emotions related to sexual behavior. The limbic system is also involved in feelings of pleasure that are related to our survival, such as those experienced from eating and sex.

One of the most terrifying portrayals of pent-up "lizard" brain anger breaking free from its cortex-controlled leash is the murder scene in Goodfellas, wherein crazy Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci) and calculating Jimmy Conway (Robert DeNiro) stomp "made-man" mafiaso Billy Batts (Frank Vincent) to death in a barroom, all because Batts  "breaks DeVito's balls" about his boyhood days as shoeshine boy.

Here's the setup for the Billy Batts murder scene from Goodfellas (1990):

Tommy DeVito: No more shines, Billy.
Billy Batts: What?
Tommy DeVito: I said, no more shines. Maybe you didn't hear about it, you've been away a long time. They didn't go up there and tell you. I don't shine shoes anymore.
Billy Batts: Relax, will ya? Ya flip right out, what's got into you? I'm breaking your balls a little bit, that's all. I'm only kidding with ya...
Tommy DeVito: Sometimes you don't sound like you're kidding, you know, there's a lotta people around...
Billy Batts: I'm only kidding with you, we're having a party, I just came home and I haven't seen you in a long time and I'm breaking your balls, and you're getting f**king fresh. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
Tommy DeVito: I'm sorry too. It's okay. No problem.
Billy Batts: Okay, salud.
Billy Batts: [takes a drink] Now go home and get your f**kin' shinebox.
Tommy DeVito: Mother f**kin' mutt! You, you f**king piece of sh*t!
Billy Batts: [taunting] Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, come on, come on!
Tommy DeVito: Motherf**king... He bought his f**king button! That fake old tough guy! You bought your f**king button!
Tommy DeVito: You mother f**k... F**k! Keep that motherf**ker here, keep him here! [leaves]
Billy Batts: Go home and get your f**king shine box.
Tommy DeVito: Just don't go busting my balls, Billy, okay?
Billy Batts: Hey, Tommy, if I was gonna break your balls, I'd tell you to go home and get your shine box.  [to his friends]
Billy Batts: Now this kid, this kid was great. They, they used to call him Spitshine Tommy.
Billy Batts: [under his breath after Tommy leaves the bar] I'll f**k him in his *ss. I f**ked kids like him in the can in the *ss. F**kin' trying to break up my party.
Billy Batts: Hey Jimmy! What's right is right. You understand what I'm talking about?
Jimmy Conway: It's all right. It's all right.
Billy Batts: No. The kid's over here. We're hugging and kissing over here. And two minutes later, he's acting like a f**king jerk.
Jimmy Conway: No, no, no, no, no. You insulted him a little bit. You got a little bit out of order yourself.
Billy Batts: No I didn't insult him. I didn't insult him.
Jimmy Conway: I'm sorry. You insulted him a little bit.
Billy Batts: No, I didn't insult nobody. Give us a drink. Give us a drink.
Billy Batts: Give us a drink. And give some to those Irish hoodlums down there.
Jimmy Conway: There's only one Irishman in here.
Billy Batts: On the house. Salud.
Jimmy Conway: Top of the mornin'.

Of course, this heated exhange proves to be the beginning of the end for DeVito and Conway. If only they'd  taken the healthier choice of accepting the loss of respect -- but it's tough to keep the lizard down when a eff-ing mutt is "busting your balls."

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