Amy Morin: Correcting Thinking Errors with CBT Techniques In Order toBuild Mental Strength

Mental strength requires a three-pronged approach -- managing our thoughts, regulating our emotions, and behaving productively despite our circumstances. While all three areas can be a struggle, it's often our thoughts that make it most difficult to be mentally strong.

As we go about our daily routines, our internal monologue narrates our experience. Our self-talk guides our behavior and influences the way we interact with others. It also plays a major role in how you feel about yourself, other people, and the world in general.

Quite often, however, our conscious thoughts aren't realistic. Instead, they're irrational and inaccurate. Believing our irrational thoughts can lead to a variety of problems, including communication issues, relationship problems, and unhealthy decisions.

Whether you're striving to reach your personal or professional goals, the key to success often starts with recognizing and replacing inaccurate thoughts. The most common thinking errors can be divided into these categories, which are adapted from David Burns book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.

All-or-Nothing Thinking 

Sometimes we see things as being black or white. Perhaps you have two categories of coworkers in your mind -- the good ones and the bad ones. Or, maybe you look at each project as either a success or a failure. Recognize the shades of gray, rather than putting things in terms of all good or all bad.

Overgeneralizing 

It's easy to take one particular event and generalize it to the rest of our lives. If you failed to close one deal, you may decide, "I'm bad at closing deals." Or if you are treated poorly by one family member, you might think, "Everyone in my family is rude." Take notice of times where an incident may apply to a specific situation only, instead of all other areas of life.

Filtering Out the Positive 

If nine good things happen, and one bad thing, sometimes we filter out the good and hone in on the bad. Maybe we declare we had a bad day, despite the positive events that occurred. Or maybe we look back at our performance and declare it was terrible because we made a single mistake. Filtering out the positive can prevent you from establishing a realistic outlook on a situation. Develop a balanced outlook by noticing both the positive and the negative.

Mind-Reading 

We can never be sure what someone else is thinking. Yet, everyone occasionally assumes they know what's going on in someone else's mind. Thinking things like, "He must have thought I was stupid at the meeting," makes inferences that aren't necessarily based on reality. Remind yourself that you may not be making accurate guesses about other people's perceptions.

Catastrophizing 

Sometimes we think things are much worse than they actually are. If you fall short on meeting your financial goals one month you may think, "I'm going to end up bankrupt," or "I'll never have enough money to retire," even though there's no evidence that the situation is nearly that dire. It can be easy to get swept up into catastrophizing the situation once your thoughts become negative. When you begin predicting doom and gloom, remind yourself that there are many other potential outcomes.

Emotional Reasoning 

Our emotions aren't always based on reality but, we often assume those feelings are rational. If you're worried about making a career change, you might assume, "If I'm this scared about it, I just shouldn't change jobs." Or, you may be tempted to assume, "If I feel like a loser, I must be a loser." It's essential to recognize that emotions, just like our thoughts, aren't always based on the facts.

Labeling 

Labeling involves putting a name to something. Instead of thinking, "He made a mistake," you might label your neighbor as "an idiot." Labelling people and experiences places them into categories that are often based on isolated incidents. Notice when you try to categorize things and work to avoid placing mental labels on everything.

Fortune-telling 

Although none of us know what will happen in the future, we sometimes like to try our hand at fortunetelling. We think things like, "I'm going to embarrass myself tomorrow," or "If I go on a diet, I'll probably just gain weight." These types of thoughts can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you're not careful. When you're predicting doom and gloom, remind yourself of all the other possible outcomes.

Personalization 

As much as we'd like to say we don't think the world revolves around us, it's easy to personalize everything. If a friend doesn't call back, you may assumea, "She must be mad at me," or if a co-worker is grumpy, you might conclude, "He doesn't like me." When you catch yourself personalizing situations, take time to point out other possible factors that may be influencing the circumstances.

Unreal Ideal 

Making unfair comparisons about ourselves and other people can ruin our motivation. Looking at someone who has achieved much success and thinking, "I should have been able to do that," isn't helpful, especially if that person had some lucky breaks or competitive advantages along the way. Rather than measuring your life against someone else's, commit to focusing on your own path to success.

Fixing Thinking Errors: 

Once you begin recognizing thinking errors, you can begin working on trying to challenge those thoughts. Look for exceptions to the rule and gather evidence that your thoughts aren't 100-percent true. Then, you can begin replacing those thoughts with more realistic thoughts.

The goal doesn't need to be to replace negative thoughts with overly idealistic or positive ones. Instead replace them with realistic thoughts. Changing the way you think takes a lot of effort initially, but with practice, you'll notice big changes -- not just in the way you think, but also in the way you feel and behave. You can make peace with the past, look at the present differently, and think about the future in a way that will support your chances of reaching your goals.

Dr. Barbara Markway Ph.D.: Reasons to Refrain from Judging People

Despite our best efforts, we all judge others. It might be over small things, like a co-worker who took too long of a lunch break. Or it might be over bigger issues, such as a person who behaves selfishly or hurts our feelings. 

Psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach frequently tells this story: Imagine you are walking through the woods and you see a small dog. It looks cute and friendly. You approach and move to pet the dog. Suddenly it snarls and tries to bite you. The dog no longer seems cute and you feel fear and possibly anger. Then, as the wind blows, the leaves on the ground are carried away and you see the dog has one of its legs caught in a trap. Now, you feel compassion for the dog. You know it became aggressive because it is in pain and is suffering.

What can we learn from this story? How can we become less judgmental? 

Don’t blame yourself. 

We are instinctively hard-wired for survival. When we see a dog (or a person) that might bite us (literally or metaphorically), of course we feel threatened. We go into fight-flight-freeze mode, and are unable to see the myriad possible reasons for another’s behavior. We get tight and defensive. This is a normal first reaction. The key is to pause before we act out of this mode.

Be mindful. 

Although judgment is a natural instinct, try to catch yourself before you speak, or send that nasty email and do any potential harm. You can’t get your words back. Pause. See if you can understand where the person may be coming from. Try to rephrase your critical internal thought into a positive one, or at least a neutral one. After all, like that dog in the trap, we really don’t know the reasons for someone’s behavior.

Depersonalize. 

When someone disagrees with us or somehow makes our life difficult, remember that it’s typically not about us. It may be about their pain or struggle. Why not give others the benefit of the doubt? “Never underestimate the pain of a person," Will Smith said, "because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are better at hiding it than others.”

Look for basic goodness. 

This takes practice, as our minds naturally scan for the negative, but if we try, we can almost always find something good about another person.

Repeat the mantra, “Just like me.” 

Remember, we are more alike than different. When I feel critical of someone, I try to remind myself that the other person loves their family just like I do, and wants to be happy and free of suffering, just like I do. Most important, that person makes mistakes, just like I do.

Reframe. 

When someone does something you don’t like, perhaps think of it as they are simply solving a problem in a different way than you would. Or maybe they have a different timetable than you do. This may help you be more open-minded and accepting of their behavior. The Dalai Lama says: “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.”

  

Look at your own behavior. 

Sometimes, we may be judging someone for something that we do ourselves, or have done. For example, the next time you find yourself yelling at someone while you’re driving, ask yourself, “Have I ever driven poorly?” Of course, we all have.

Educate yourself. 

When people do things that are annoying, they may have a hidden disability. For example, some people with poor social skills may have Asperger’s syndrome. So if someone’s invading your personal space (as someone with Asperger’s might), remember again, it’s not about you. Albert Einstein said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” 

Give the person the benefit of the doubt. 

Someone once told me, no one wakes up in the morning and says, "I think I'm going to be a jerk today." Most of us do the best we can with the resources we have at the moment.

Feel good about you. 

Brene´ Brown says: “If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices. If I feel good about my body, I don't go around making fun of other people's weight or appearance. We're hard on each other because were using each other as a launching pad out of her own perceived deficiency.”

And finally, remember that judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are.

Blacklight Marvel Comics Poster and Card Art

David Bates: Ceramic Rooster Plate

Art Walkabout: Turtle Creek

Don Mangus, Turtle Creek I, iPhone photograph, 2015

Don Mangus, Turtle Creek II, iPhone photograph, 2015

Don Mangus, Turtle Creek III, iPhone photograph, 2015

Don Mangus, Turtle Creek IV, iPhone photograph, 2015

Don Mangus: "Street Photography"

Infographic: Two Mindsets

Remembering Wendy Williamson

By Kim Rich, Anchorage Daily
 News, Sunday,
 July 
3,
 1988
 

The
 best moments 
always
 came
 late
 in
 Wendy
 Williamson's
 piano
 classes.
 That's
 when
 one
 of
 his
 students
 would 
invariably
 ask,
"Wendy, 
can
 you
 play 
some
 'Martini
 Music?'"





"Martini 
Music" 
was
 what
 the
 students
 called
 the 
jazz
 standards
 that
 Williamson
 loved -- songs 
like 
"Satin
 Doll,"
 "Autumn
 Leaves,"
 and 
"The
 Lady
 is
 a
 Tramp."
 These
 were 
some
 of 
his
 favorites -- the 
kind
 of
 songs he
 used
 to
 play
 40
 years
 ago 
in
 Anchorage
 night
 spots
 with 
such 
names
 as
 "The
 Last
 Chance," "
The
 Green
 Lantern
," or
 "The
 Silver
 Slipper.
"




Then,
 as
 in 
his
 classroom,
 Williamson's
 body
 would
 gently
 sway 
as
 his
 fingers
 roamed
 the
 keyboard, instilling
 new
 life 
in
 the
 oft-played
 melodies,
 recalling
 the
 era
 when
 Jazz
 was
 King.





Moments
 such
 as 
this
 were
 recalled
 earlier 
this 
week
 when
 dozens
 of 
Williamson's
 friends
 gathered 
in
 a 
local
 home 
to 
remember
 him.
 On
 June 
25,
 John
 Wendell
 "Wendy"
 Williamson, 
one
 of
 Anchorage's 
finest
 jazz
 pianists
 and
 best-loved
 music
 teachers,
 died
 of 
cancer
 at 
the 
age
 of 
65.





When
 people
 aren't
 talking
 about
 Williamson's
 free and easy 
style
 of
 piano 
playing,
 his
 perfect
 pitch,
 or the
 way
 he
 could
 make
 any
 song
 swing,
 they
 talk
 about
 how 
this
 "musician's
 musician
" was
 one 
of
 the 
most
 adored
 people
 in
 Anchorage.





"He
 was
 the 
kindest
 man,"
 says
 Mickey
 Belden,
 an 
adjunct
 faculty
 member 
of
 the
 University
 of
 Alaska
 Anchorage
 music
 department.


"I
 never
 ever
 did
 hear 
him
 say
 a
 mean
 word, 
just
 never 
did, " 
says
 Elvera
 Voth,
 a
 longtime
 member 
of
 Anchorage's
 classical
 music
 scene
 who
 gave
 Williamson
 his
 job
 at
 the
 college.





"He
 was the
 kind
 of
 guy
 you'd
 like
 to
 have
 for
 a 
friend -- a
 buddy -- and
 he
 was
 extremely
 talented -- on
 the 
verge
 of
 being
 a 
genius," 
says
 Jack
 O'Toole,
 a
 local
 drummer
 who
 used
 to
 gig
 with
 Williamson.





For
 17
 years,
 Williamson's
 large,
 rounded, 
silhouette
 was
 a 
common
 sight
 at
 the
 Music
 Department
 at
 Anchorage
 Community
 College,
 where 
he
 taught 
music 
theory,
 private 
piano
 lessons, 
and
 piano
 classes.


Most people
 remember
 his
 eyes -- 
eyes 
that
 appeared -- as
 one 
former 
student 
put
 it -- as
 if
 they 
were 
"full
 of
 the
 Dickens." 
His
 broad
 cheeks
 made
 him
 look
 rather like
 an 
unshaven
 Santa
 Claus.



 
Unlike 
most
 of
 his 
casual 
colleagues 
at
 the 
College,
 Williamson 
always 
arrived
 at
 work
 in 
a
 suit
, something
 almost
 unheard 
of 
in
 the 
low-key 
Community
 College
 setting.
 But
 after
 all,
 Williamson
 was
 a 
jazz
man -- and 
jazz
 players 
almost
 always
 wear
 suits.



 
"You
 have 
to 
dress 
for teaching,"
 he
 would
 tell
 his 
wife,
 Marjorie
 Williamson. 
"You
 have 
to 
look
 like
 you're a Somebody."





Despite 
a 
quiet, unassuming 
nature,
 Williamson
 had 
a 
keen
 sense
 of 
humor.
 Many
 still
recall
 the 
daily
 "piano
 wars" 
Williamson
 used
 to
 wage 
with 
former
 University 
of
 Alaska
Anchorage
 piano
 professor
 Jean
-Paul Billoud.
 The 
two 
had
 adjoining
 studios.
 Whenever
 Williamson
 would 
hear
 Billoud
 coming
 down 
the 
hall,
 he'd
 run 
to
 his 
piano 
and
 begin 
playing
 a
 piece 
of 
classical
 or
 jazz
 music.
 Within
 seconds,
 Billoud
 would
 finish
 the
 music
 from
 his
 own 
studio.



 
Elvera
 Voth
 says
 Williamson 
was
 also
 always
 full
 of
 one-liners. 
Once,
 she
 asked
 him
 if
 he
 sang.
 His
 joking
 reply -- "Only
 at 
the
 police
 station -- and
 then 
I
'll
 sing
 plenty."





Even 
near 
the
 end
 of
 a lengthy 
illness,
 he 
kept
 his
 sense
 of 
humor.
 While
 he
 was
 hospitalized,
 a
 nurse
 came
 in 
to
 ask
 for
 the
 umpteenth 
time 
what
 allergies 
he
 had.
 Williamson
 responded,
 "Penicillin
 and
 Rock 
'n' Roll."



 

Born 
in
 Chehalis, 
Washington,
 Williamson
 received
 his
 earliest
 musical
 inspiration
 from
 his
 father, 
who was a
 trombone
 player.
 Marjorie
 Williamson
 says 
the 
father
 got 
Williamson
 and
 his
 two
 brothers,
 Vernell
 ("Tex")
 and
 Euell, 
interested
 in
 music
 by
 offering 
them
 the
 choice 
of 
"either 
hoeing
 the 
garden 
or
 practicing."
 They
 always chose
 the
 latter.



 
After
 earning 
his 
Bachelor 
of 
Music
 degree
 from
 Washington 
State
 College,
 where
 he
 also 
played
 trombone, 
Williamson 
received
 a 
Master's
 Degree
 in
 Music
 from
 the
 Cincinnati
 Conservatory
 of 
Music.
 While 
he 
was 
schooled
 in 
both
 classical
 and
 jazz,
 his 
heart
 really belonged
 to 
jazz.





Williamson 
first
 visited 
Anchorage
 in
 1947,
 after
 being
 discharged
 from
 the 
Army.
 Prior
 to 
settling 
in
 Alaska,
 he
 played
 with
 some
 of 
the
 Big 
Band 
Era's 
greatest
 musicians -- 
including 
a tour with 
famed
 band
leader/trombone 
player,
 Jack
 Teagarden.





"When 
I
 first
 met 
him 
(Williamson) 
I
 thought
 he
 was
 rich 
because
 he
 owned 51 
white
 shirts,"
 says
 Marjorie,
 adding 
that
 the
 shirts
 were
 in reality a result of the
 51
 weeks
 Williamson 
once
 spent
 on
 the
 road
 with
 Teagarden -- he 
really hated 
to
 do 
laundry.




Marjorie
 was 
working
 as 
a
 stewardess
 for
 United
 Airlines, 
and
 living
 in
 Seattle
, when
 they
 met.
 The 
couple
 married
 in
 1956,
 then moved
 to
 Anchorage.
 They 
have
 three
 boys --  
Jim
 , who is
 now 
age 31, 
 Scott,
 30, and John,
 28.
 All
 three
 play 
instruments --
 Jim
 carries on the
 trombone tradition,
 Scott
 plays the
 drums
, and
 John triples on bass 
guitar,
 piano,
 and 
French
 Horn.



 
Like 
his 
father 
before 
him, 
Williamson
 encouraged 
his
 sons 
to
 learn 
the
 foundation
 of
 music
al training.





"One 
thing 
dad
 pounded 
into
 us
 was
 that we
 had
 to 
know
 how 
to 
read
 music,"
 says
 Scott. "He'd 
say, 
'There'll
 always 
be
 a 
lot
 of
 good
 players,
 but
 the
 people
 who
 know
 how
 to
 read
 are
 the
 ones
 who land 
the
 jobs."'





Reading music worked 
for
 Williamson,
 who 
for 
years
 found
 steady
 work 
in
 Anchorage -- playing
 gigs
 in
 bands
 named The
 Rhythm
 Kings,
 Wendy's
 Wiggers,
 The
 Wendy
 Williamson
 Trio, 
and 
The
 Auke 
Bay 
Conservatory
 of 
Dixieland 
Jazz.
 But
 Williamson's
 favorite
 and
 most reliable 
gig
 was
 his
 teaching 
job
 at 
the
 Community
 College.





He
 was 
one 
of 
the 
first 
people
 Voth
 hired
 when 
she
 was
 assembling 
the 
Music
 Program
 there 
in
 the
 early
 sixties.
 She
 says 
no 
one
 was
 more
 pleased 
to
 be
 on 
a
 college
 faculty 
than
 Williamson.
 "He 
just loved it,"
 she
 says.
 "He
 used 
to
 say
 funny things 
like,
 'Call
 me
 Professor.'
"





Voth,
 who
 left
 the
 college 
in 
the 
mid-seventies,
 says 
Williamson's
 jazz
 courses
 were
 among the 
school's
 most
 popular
 classes.
 Part
 of
 their 
success 
was
 due 
to
 his
 teaching 
style.
 He
 avoided
 any
 situation
 that
 would
 make
 his
 students 
nervous
 and
 keep
 them
 from
 playing
 at their
 best.
 

He
 abhorred
 recitals.
 In
 his
 piano
 lab 
classes,
 where 
students
 played electric 
pianos
 while
 wearing
 earphones,
 Williamson 
never
 told
 the
 musicians
 on what
 day
 he
 was
 going to grade 
them.
 That
 way,
 they
 felt more 
at 
ease.
 
 "He was
 very
 affable,
 easygoing
, and 

helpful,"
 says
 his former 
student
, Karen
 Strid. 
"He
'd 
never 
'put
 anyone
 down'
 in
 a
 class, 
and 
he'd
 share 
musical examples.
 He'd
 
play 
for you.
 He
 not
 only 

talked 
about the theory of music -- 
 he
 could 
also
 put it into practice.
 He
 was
 marvelous.
 I
 think he 
must
 have memorized
 2,000 
tunes or more."



 
Williamson's 
illness 
finally 
forced 
him 
to 
retire 
from 
the
 College 
in
 December.
 Just before
 his
 death,
 he
 recommended 
that
 Strid -- who
 studied
 with him
 for
 18
 years -- be appointed
 to
 fill 
his
 position.
 "He 
hung 
on 
just 
long
 enough
 to 
hear 
she
 got 
the 
job," 
says
 Kay
 McInnes,
 secretary
 to 
the
 Music
 and
 Dance
 Departments.





In
 Williamson's
 honor, 
the
 Music department and
 his 
family have 
established 
a 
memorial
 scholarship 
in
 his
 name.
 Additionally, 
a 
program
 of
 Traditional 
jazz, is 
to 
be
 performed
 this July
 22 
at
 the
 International 
Inn
, and it too will
 be
 dedicated 
to
 Williamson's memory.

"I
 owe
 Wendy 
a
 great
 deal," says 
Strid,
 who 
in addition to 
taking
 over
 Williamson's 
post,
 was
 also 
bequeathed
 his
 voluminous teaching
 notes 
and
 materials.
 "If you
 talk
 to
 anyone
 who
 knew
 Wendy -- 
you'll soon hear about how much they loved
 him -- he will
 be greatly 
missed."