Margaret Paul, Ph.D. Blog: Five Things Preventing You From AttractingYour Beloved

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. 

Most of us would love to be in a loving, committed relationship. Yet, for many, this seems to be elusive. There are some good reasons for this.

1. We Attract at Our Common Level of Self-Abandonment or Self-Love

Do you abandon yourself in one or more of these four ways?

Staying focused in your head rather than being present with your feelings in your body

Judging yourself harshly, putting a lot of pressure on yourself

Turning to various addictions to avoid your feelings and to fill up inner emptiness

Making others responsible for your happiness and self-worth

People who love and value themselves, and take responsibility for their own happiness and self-worth, are not attracted to people who abandon themselves. Two people who abandon themselves often get together, hoping the other person will give them the love they are not giving to themselves, only to be disappointed and move on. We do not have love to share with another when we are not loving ourselves.

2. Fear of Rejection -- Loss of Other

When you abandon yourself -- which means that you are rejecting yourself -- then you naturally fear being rejected by others. The fear of rejection leads to feeling anxious in relationships, which leads to trying to have control over not being rejected. Whatever you do to try to control not being rejected -- being overly nice, having sex too soon, giving yourself up and being compliant, tolerating unloving behavior on the part of the other person -- is inauthentic and often leads to the rejection you are trying to avoid.

3. Fear of Engulfment -- Loss of Self

If you came from controlling parents and learned to give yourself up to avoid a loss of love, then you might have a big fear of being consumed and smothered in a relationship. You might believe that you need to give yourself up to be loved -- to avoid rejection -- and this fear might lead you to pull back from a relationship the moment it starts to get close. 

If you find yourself coming on strong at the beginning of a relationship and then losing interest as soon as the other person is interested, then you likely have a fear of engulfment and are relationship-avoidant.

4. Level of Happiness and Self-Worth

If you are an unhappy person with low self-worth, do you expect that a happy person with high self-worth is going to be attracted to you? This is very unlikely. The problem is also that you might not be attracted to another unhappy person. You might hope to find a happy person who will make you happy, but it doesn't generally work this way.

If you want to attract a happy person and create a loving relationship, then you need to first do your inner work to become a happy, loving person.

5. Attachment to the Outcome

When you meet someone and you become attached to the outcome, in terms of making your happiness and worth dependent on the other person liking you, you may put out an energy that actually pushes the other person away. Most of us don't want to be responsible for another's happiness, worth and well-being. It doesn't feel like love when someone is focused on getting love rather than on being loving.

Getting Love, Being Loving

This is the essence of the issue of attracting your beloved. Is your primary intent in being in a relationship to get love, or is it to share your love with your beloved? If it's to get love -- due to your own self-abandonment -- then your challenge in attracting your beloved is to learn to love yourself and share your love.

If you want to be in a loving, committed relationship and you have not been able to manifest this in your life, or if your current relationship isn't working, then you first need to learn to create a loving relationship with yourself. 

Once you know how to fill yourself up with love to share with a partner, you will find that you have a much easier time attracting your beloved and creating a loving relationship.